Don’t invite us… there’s a good chance we aren’t coming.

Okay, okay. I know that probably sounds a little rude to just flat out say, and without any context it most definitely is. That doesn’t mean for everything, or to everyone who invites us to do things or to their home. (Depending on the Covid restrictions at time of invite) But let’s just take a minute and break this down. I’m sure at the end of this you will understand why sometimes moms just say no… Or have some excuse as to why we aren’t coming. At least for our family anyways.

Please don’t think that every invite that comes our way gets turned down, because I’m stuck up, to busy, or don’t like you. Most the time it’s for a multitude of reasonings, and I’m probably just as bummed that we aren’t coming because let’s be real. We don’t pack up the whole fam jam and go out often. (Trips to the park, walks, bike rides and visiting grandparents aside) So when something sounds like a lot of fun, but has a lot more cons on the list then pros it’s just not worth all the work in this moms opinion.

Do you really understand what inviting all of us means? No, really do you? I’m not being a jerk but inviting six people to your house is A LOT. Them being small may seem like it makes it not so bad, but it’s the opposite. Yes, their adorable little selves will tell you all the nice things about your house. Point out all the cool things you have, and definitely give you a nice little confidence boost about your home. But… They will touch everything, and they will ask you questions about all of your belongs.

I do promise I fed them before we left, and there’s a %95 chance I also gave them a snack in the car so they wouldn’t ask when we got here if you had any. However, they most definitely will ask you for a snack about 5 minutes after arriving. I probably will not sit and chat with you about all the things going on in life, or catch up with you at all. Because I will be following my toddler around your house so that she doesn’t break anything you own… Or climb your furniture and no it’s not cute. It’s embarrassing, because well one we’re at someone else’s home and I know these kids know how to behave properly. I also know that if they break something I will have to replace it, even if you tell me “not to worry” about it I’m going to because my child, my responsibility.

So why don’t we just go out then? Cool, I’m up for that. How’s the park, a trip to the beach, or somewhere else child friendly. Because as much as I’d love to do some site seeing our, or something like that. Most of the time that’s just not happening for us. And please don’t get me started on those “kid zones” great in theory. Absolutely do able for people with 1-2 children. But when you have 4 of them, and not one of them are at an age to navigate one of those places by them self. (in my personal opinion, do with your children as you see fit.) It’s likely not happening. Now that’s not to say my oldest two will miss out on these opportunities and experiences because obviously there is both myself and my husband one of us can go do these things and the other can stay home with the small children. But don’t ask us to go to some Playdium type place with all four kids in tow like that’s gonna happen. It’s just not reasonable for us. Take pictures we will catch you at the next activity.

What’s fun for you may not be fun for me. That’s right I said it. Yes doing adult things is fun obviously, I want to go out and do these things with my husband and enjoy our time together. That being said though I’ve come to a point in my life, going to the zoo with my kids. Getting to see their faces when they see an animal three times the size of them, and they think it’s the coolest thing in the world will absolutely trump most things if you ask me. It’s kind of you to think of me, when asking if I want to go out to the bar with you on a Friday night. But I’m not coming.. I’m going watch a movie with my kids, maybe play some Jenga put them to bed at a decent time and spend the night relaxing with my husband. That is what’s fun for me.

We would absolutely love to join you out to dinner. Do they serve chicken nuggets? No that’s a serious question. My kids are small chicken nuggets/strips are a must on the menu. Please know, yes my children are well behaved in restaurants. (For the most part, since kids can be pretty unpredictable) You don’t have to worry about them screaming or throwing food. But, they will want to pick off your plate, have you colour the place mat with them. Myself or hubby will be getting up at least 3 times to take someone potty. We wont be staying for desert, oh and kids are brutally honest so expect one of the older two to make a comment/ask a question about someone else in the restaurant. If you hear it please don’t laugh, if it was mean tell them that’s not nice. But, seriously don’t laugh kids are savage, I know it’s hard not to, but we are trying our best to raise decent human beings

A baby sitter? Yeah.. probably not. I’ve got four kids, not many people want to, nor do I want to want to put that kind of responsibility on someone four kids is a lot of kids to watch. Yeah, sometime we will be a child or two short because of grandparents. (Thank god for them wanting sleepovers with their grand babies) that’s probably the best I can do.

Here’s the solution! How about you just come over here? Plain and simple sometimes it’s just a whole heck of a lot easier if you just come here to visit us. There’s six of us, we’re loud, we’re busy, and at least here if something breaks, or someone gets hurt it’s on us.

The door is open, coffee can be made in minutes. You’ve got no one and nothing to impress. You’ll be welcomed but happy little faces, and the enveloping feeling of a home full of love. So maybe next time skip the invite and ask if we’re up for coffee there’s a good chance, I’ve already been planning on telling you to just come over instead anyways.

What the hell is even “self-care” ?

You’ve heard it, we all have. “Oh you just need a little self-care” or “what’s your self-care routine?” As a mother of four. I find this laughable, seriously? Self-care? You think I’ve got the time to pull out some elaborate, self-care face mask, bubble bath, extravaganza once a week?

Now in my personal opinion, self-care is extremely subjective what may be relaxing to you i.e sitting in the tub, with a face mask on and a bottle of wine. I find time be just a prolonged period of time that I’m wet, and cold within minutes and the bubbles never last oh and the kids will find me. Yes, even if they were put to bed first. So to me that’s a bust, not going to happen, thanks for the recommendations but I’ll pass.

Self-care can be so many different things even if you don’t think it falls under the guise of self-care for someone else it really might be. Not only that, but it changes to meet your needs as you grow as a person. If you asked me at 16 I would have told you. It’s definitely face masks, getting my nails done, and pampering myself with my bestfriend. At 19 I would have to told you. Getting a baby sitter and going out with my friends. Now at the point in life I’m at, I’m going to tell you, it’s laying on my couch with no pants on, eating junk, watching random stuff on YouTube, while I talk my Hubby’s ear off. Reading a book in selince, or something that gives me full on me time. What you need to fill your own self-care desire’s is up to you. Not to say, I don’t enjoy a trip to the hair salon, or gettting my nails done becuase this girl absoulty loves to get those things done… When and if theres time for that one, (if I even get to go to those things by myself that is, I’ve got a six year old little girl so you know she’s trying to tag along.)

Now that being said, Those things fill my-self care needs. But sometimes we need something a little different, yes sometimes we need to zone-in on the physical ones. (I’m talking about physical activity, not physical activity although that works too.) Find something that works for you, if that’s gong for a walk wicked, weight training, or other workouts sweet, dancing around your house just getting movement perfect! But, do something that gets your blood flowing. You may not notice it at first, but it could be the small tweak you need to feel like you’ve taken sometime to take care of yourself.

A shower counts.

I will die on this hill. If you took the time, to get your ass in the shower, wash your body, your hair, the whole getting clean process. That damn well counts, especially if you are a mom. I don’t want to hear “Oh that’s just basics hygiene” because yes you’re right. Do you know what most mothers can’t find the time of day for between looking after their children, their homes, and whatever other things have fallen into their responsibility basket? BASIC HYGIENE , yeah we will brush our teeth. Might as well while you’re in the bathroom making sure your kids are brushing theirs, and yep! I got dressed in clean clothing, because like hell I’m doing laundry to not appreciate a clean shirt… That will likely be ruined by the time I make it from my bedroom to the kitchen but I digress. Finding the time for a shower, and I mean a good one. One where you have time to shave your legs, and wash your hair. One of those bad boys. That right there, counts as a good amount of self-care if you ask me.

I say this for anyone struggling to fit something into the deffintion of self-care, not just the mom struggling thinking she’s not taking time for the “right” self-care. It’s for anyone who doesn’t enjoy the social norm of self-care, your version of it counts too.

So eat a couple Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and watch a murder documentary, go for a run, or a gym session. Get lost in a good book. Take good solid shower, or lay on the living room floor and just melt into nothing but silence. But do WHATEVER feels good and like self-care to you. At the end of the day people put expectations on everything, even the standard for self-care. But, screw that. It’s time to throw that ideal out the window and do what we need to do for ourselves, and not give a damn if the rest of the world would agree with it.

Things someone with kids doesn’t want to hear… Seriously.

We have all heard one or more from time to time. Most of us, just simply give a half ass laugh and smile, move on with our day. To inevitably hear something else. Maybe it’s just me, or maybe it’s other moms out there too. But, sometimes those words get stuck in my brain and hang around and play on a loop. For me; to over analyze, pick apart and dread hearing the next time I leave my house with my gaggle of children.

So this is my effort to let my opinion out on these, “wonderful” comments. People feel it’s “ok” to say to a person with kids, and give the honest response I wish was socially acceptable to respond with.

“Oh wow, you have your hands full”

No shit. As if I am not aware of that. I don’t see why people feel the need to remind me that my hands are clearly full. (Sometime literally, because well a clingy toddler and a teething baby make for you to have no choice but to hold your children.) Never the less, what does it really do to point this out? It doesn’t make the situation any better. Doesn’t give Mom and extra set of hands. God that would be helpful… All it does at least from my experience is make the situation feel a little more overwhelming. Because yes, my hands are full, I don’t need your comment. I don’t need to know that you see I’ve got a lot going on. I too have eyes and can see.

“Are they all yours”

No I found two of them and thought I’d take them home… Come on really? I’m going to start this off by saying you sounds plain creepy or offensive. You’re giving me “I’m going to steal these kids” vibes or “judgmental bitch” either way not a good look. If someone has small children with them. Assume they belong to that adult (obviously within reason, if you see a red flag act how you see fit) however. Do not ask some one if that’s their child/children. It’s rude, I was lucky enough to be able to carry and deliver all my children with my own body *and Hubbys help*. But for the women who, adopt, foster, step-parent, legal guardian, etc. This can open a Pandora’s box, of emotion, conversations, or uncomfortable situations they may have regarding that question. So maybe next time assume they are, and mind your own business.

“Do you know what causes that?”

yes I do, but how about you make an ass out of yourself and tell me hhm? This one is just gross. Do you really, honestly feel comfortable knowing you just asked another person if they know they had sex to create children? Maybe that crusty old man who asks every young mom he sees, is confused because no one would touch him. Or that women who says it in that ever stinging condescending voice, is maybe just bitter because of her own past regarding children. But for the love of holy hell. Stop. There is no reason you need to ask a person if they know how babies are made. We know. The school system may not have taught much about procreation, but we were taught at least the bare minimum of sex = babies. That aside, I do not want to have to then answer uncomfortable questions my child will ask me like “mommy what does cause babies?” Or “what do they mean causes that? What’s wrong?”

“You must be so busy”

Yep so if you don’t mind I don’t have time to listen to you. Plain and simple yes I’m busy, glad you can see that. Why are you bothering me if you think I’m busy? (Yes, I can hear that sass in that one. It’s just rather annoying if you ask me.)

“Oh I could never, how do you do it?”

Well if I didn’t they’d die.. and if myself or my husband couldn’t handle it do you think we’d have 4? This one doesn’t bother me as much… Depending on the tone it’s said in, and person who says it. I don’t know how I do it, quite honestly I’m winging it most times. I will give you the generic response of “we really rely on a schedule” (which we do and it’s been our saving grace I swear) or it’s not that bad once you get the hang of it. But, really I don’t care that you could never? Am I supposed to, this is my life, my family, not yours? You clearly picked your own amount of children to have/not have. My husband and I decided on ours.

“Have you heard of birth control?”

I was unaware that the amount of kids I have effects you in anyway for you to ask me that. DO NOT ASK A PERSON THIS. I feel this needs no further explanation. Don’t be this person don’t ask this. EVER.

“You look so good… for four kids”

Now this ones just a back handed compliment. Because how did you expect a person with kids to look honestly. It’s not a sweet or nice thing to say it’s rude and it implies you expect me to look like a train wreck, or that I do but you’re surprised it’s not more of one. I look good period. Doesn’t matter if I’ve had babies or not. We need to let go of these ideas that your body needs to look a certain way or you need to dress a certain way, when your a mother to not a look like a “train wreck”. That equating cute outfits and nice hair is some sort of standing of who you are as a mother and person. Because some days I look like I crawled out of a cave, and others I look put together and ready to take on the world. But, I’m still the same mother and person no matter what day it is. Give mothers some grace here, we are so busy making sure someone or multiple peoples needs are met before our own so some days we don’t have the desire and/or time to tend to our own. So good enough what ever they decided to go in, is good enough.

Sometimes I wonder how these same people would feel if we asked them question just as off putting, or invasive. How they would feel or how they would react. But what’s most important keep your comments to yourself. we don’t care, we don’t need to hear it, and you might just be making yourself look like an ass.

And so it’s starts.

As so many of us in todays day in age, I to became more intrigued with the idea of making my mark somewhere within the online world and establish my presents within in it. So I guess this is just that.

When I became pregnant with my third child, I had one of my close friends ask me why I don’t start a “mommy blog”. At first I laughed at the idea and brushed it off, because I honestly thought no one would care or be interested. Now if I’m being honest I’m still not sure if anyone will read, or be interested in a blog from me or not. However, after having my fourth child and really feeling the need to find my own space. (Even if that means it’s a virtual space.) To be my genuine self, without my children watching or listening to me than I will happily give it a go.

I’d like to preface this with saying, I am in no means a perfect mother, wife, or human being. I laugh at times I shouldn’t, I make mistakes, Sometimes I put off things I shouldn’t, I don’t always keep my cool, and I get overwhelmed. But, that doesn’t mean I’m not always striving to be a better person overall. That’s the whole point in life isn’t it? Fail, learn, and try again. That’s how I see it anyways, if I’m wrong, inform me so I can do better and I take that same approach to my marriage and my parenting. I find if something isn’t working, maybe it’s time we sit down lay our cards on the table. Talk things out from both sides, learn and move forward. Now, being that my children are 8 months old, 2, 5, and 6 (at the time of writing this) I can not always have a seated well planned out and articulated discussion with them. However, we can always try different things, and talk to them in way they understand. That all to be said, I don’t ever want to come across as someone who thinks they have it all figured out, or that I have some picture perfect life. No one really does, and I think that this false narrative is shown all over social media these days. So if you need some reassurance you’re doing okay this is it.

If it’s before noon on the weekend or a day I don’t have to leave the house I’m probably still in my pj pants, drinking my third cup of coffee that has gone cold. Debating on whether or not to order pizza for dinner or have a productive day and squeeze in a workout somewhere between diaper changes and an infinity amount questions from a 6 year old who wants to know literally everything. While having to break up my 2 and 5 year old from having their own wrestle mani in the living room. So you’re doing alright, we all have our days, weeks and months we question if we’re doing right by our children, spouse, and the people around us. As long as their needs are met and your finding even the smallest amount of time to meet your own (and yes, just getting yourself a shower and something to eat counts.) you’re doing just fine.

I welcome you to follow along on the ride, inside my life and all the wonderful and maybe not so wonderful things to come.

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